So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
