just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
