I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
