Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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