Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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