i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i may or may not be watching the land before time
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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