The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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