Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
