Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
we're so committed to being not committed
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
