I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
