Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
