Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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