just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
