I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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