Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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