I hate all girls vehemently.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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