Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
