Is it because I queefed?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have aggressive nipples.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
