Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
