hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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