seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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