He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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