saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
