the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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