How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
