you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
