i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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