I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Terrible idea I love it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
