im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
