i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
