I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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