Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
