8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
