I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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