Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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