Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
