I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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