I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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