Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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