Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
