The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
