I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
