you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
