chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
