4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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