I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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