nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
