My friends, they love my intelligence
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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