I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
