you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
