so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
