You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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