i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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