my phone needs a breathalizer
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
