im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
