Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
