shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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