I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
