at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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