mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
