Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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