Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize