Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
